I stare at my phone.
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.That sentence sounds like it could be the first in a movie script or
in an exciting story Im about to tell. (Potential next sentence: An
urgent text message appears.)But thats not how I mean those words.
Instead, I mean them as an identifying characteristic, a sentence that
describes me: I work for ESPN; I play basketball; I love good coffee; I
stare at my phone.Now see what I mean? Its a response to the question,
So what do you like to do? How do you spend your time?Its also an
admission and an embarrassingly accurate description of my nearly
constant state. See me on the subway platform, head down, oblivious; or
on my couch, attempting to read a book, but stopping every paragraph to
refresh Twitter; or at dinner, asking a friend to repeat herself because
I was reading an email; or at my desk, convincing myself Ill write
after reading one more news article.Or right now, writing this, fighting
the urge to Google some random factoid -- any random factoid -- to
avoid the discomfort that comes with actually thinking, with actually
being -- with creating instead of just absorbing. Theres long been a
link between absorbing and creating (first comes one, then the other),
but these days, Im rarely doing the other. Im like a sponge that never
gets wrung out.The bottom line: Im concerned about the future of my
brain. Im also concerned about other peoples brains -- including,
potentially, yours.Theres no news hook that exists, nor one reason why
readers should care about this right now, staking this storys rightful
place in the news cycle. These thoughts exist not because of the news,
but in spite of it. Im writing this because I need to. Its all I think
about. Which means that, maybe, other people have also thought it --
even if the thought is buried beneath the rubble of text and Twitter and
the endless stream of headlines.***I have long struggled with anxiety,
but its usually only attached to work -- specifically to doing TV or
speaking in public. Anxiety has never just buzzed inside me all day
long. Usually, if a steady and persistent thought swims in my mind, I
know I must sit down and write. Writing helps me process emotion.
Whenever I felt confused or like I had something to say, I knew I could
work through the feeling using just pen and paper.For me, deep thinking
feels like going for a run. Its a kind of detox.But lately, Im feeling
clumsy. The good thoughts feel farther and farther away, and if I do
manage to grab one, its slippery and impossible to hold.My view used to
seem expansive. Now it feels claustrophobic.And now Im feeling like I
can no longer control my anxiety. Its become my companion. Perhaps the
scariest part is that this endless scrolling distracts me from the
anxiety, even as it feeds it.Consider the cycle: When Im lonely and
anxious, instead of sitting with the feeling, trying to process it, I
launch my phone in hopes of dulling the sensation. And it works --
temporarily. But Ive done nothing to cure the underlying loneliness and
anxiety. So, an hour later, or a day later, the feeling will come back
stronger. And how will I fix it that next time? And the time after
that?I think we both know the answer.This cycle is an addiction masked
as productivity, as connecting. When I was playing basketball at the
University of Colorado in 2000, I didnt yet have a cell phone. And
during my first year on campus, I had a reckoning of sorts: I wanted to
quit and give up my scholarship. Did I even love basketball? Why was I
unhappy? These thoughts swirled in my mind, without distraction, every
day as I walked across campus.When I think back on that year, Im
thankful that I was forced to sit in my uneasiness, process it and come
out the other side, clear-eyed and committed. When muddled emotions or
feelings of loss arise now, I do everything but sit with the feeling. I
wonder what this kind of confusion must feel like for younger people
today, who have answers at their fingertips, but perhaps not
solutions.Personally, I have no excuse for letting it get this bad. The
year after we published Split Image,?a story about the suicide of a
student-athlete, I immersed myself in understanding how technology and
social media affects us -- I actually wrote a book for Little, Brown
about Madison Holleran and young people and rising rates of anxiety and
depression. Its called What Made Maddy Run, and its coming out in August
2017. Heres a snippet from the books manuscript:I wrote that a year ago
-- an entire year ago! While I would never spend a year drinking
Mountain Dew, then puzzle at why my fitness had deteriorated, here I am,
spending most days staring at my phone, reading each click-bait article
and wishing I could have my brain back, wishing I could sit down and
write and think the way I used to, with a kind of clarity and stamina I
took for granted.The solution is obvious: spend less time on my phone.
The thought of that feels promising and clear, like driving with the top
down. And, simultaneously, the thought is scary. I want to hang out
where everyone else is hanging out.And it seems like everyone else is in
my phone.But, then again -- are they? And what version of them -- of
each other -- are we getting?This is the part where Im supposed to share
my detox program. Or offer my hard-won solution, followed by
encouraging advice. But I dont have one. Not yet, anyway.Truth is,
writing this essay was as far as I got.
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.
The Australian is competing in his final season in Formula One and still
looking for his first win this year. He will look to end Vettels run of
six straight race wins on Sunday.
Webber, who is fifth in the championship, earned his second pole from
the past three races and 13th of his career.
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. Speaking Thursday on TSN 1050 Thursday, the Leafs GM also touched on
the questions surrounding the teams leadership and the struggles of
his big-name free-agent signing.
“Its not from lack of effort from the coaching staff.
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.35 million, one-year contract that avoided salary arbitration.
Plouffe batted .254 with 14 home runs and 52 RBIs in 477 at-bats last
season, his second as a regular in the lineup.
SANTA CLARA, Calif. -- Brynton Lemar scored 17 points on
6-for-10 shooting to lead UC Davis to a 63-58 win over Santa Clara on
Saturday night.In a close game where neither team led by more than
single digits, UC Davis (1-1) edged on top for good during a 6-0 spurt
midway through the second half that was capped by a pair of free throws
from Lemar to make it 49-45 with 7:39 to play. J.T. Adenreles bucket
sparked the run, which also included a jumper from Mikey Henn.Santa
Clarra (1-1) stayed close, cutting the gap to 55-53 on Henrik Jaderstens
bucket with 2:54 left before UC Davis began padding the advantage
primarily from the free-throw line the rest of the way.
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Chima Moneke added 15 points for the Aggies, who hit 23 of 56 from the
field.Jaderstens 17 points led three Santa Clara players in double
figures.
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